The Spellout

'Cos a Pity Party ... don't ... stop

You'd better believe Spellout has a valentine. I don't mean to rub it in, but she's caring and sexy and fabulous and limber, and I'm lucky to have her this Valentine's Day and all the other days of the calendar year. But I know what it's like not to have someone -- I've been there, we all have. And all I can say about those long, dark nights of the soul is that I wish that I'd had Circus Contraption's Pinky d'Ambrosia and Poppy Daze around to throw a Pity Party for me.

Beginning Wednesday, February 10 and continuing through Sunday, February 14, Pinky and Poppy will take over the Copper Gate's vag-tastic Pussy Room to hold a genuine, no-couples-allowed swingin' singles bash with all the trimmings: "drinking, complaining, tap dancing, ukuleles, puppetry, sing-alongs, aerial, pole dancing, pickled herring and red velvet." If you're lucky, you'll get back in touch with your feelings of independence, exchange a wink and nod with a likely partner and get a nice buzz going off a quantity of Aquavit. I almost wish I could be there, but as I said before: Girlfriend is Limber. Tickets to Pity Party are $20, and as one might reasonably expect of a party held in a "Pussy Room," it's 21-and-over.

Take a "Forbidden" turn

Every other Monday night at Re-Bar transpires "Collide-O-Scope" --  "an evening of video oddities, shorts, cartoons and movies; the weird and the wonderful," held in the culture-rich environment of one of this city's most refined skeezy dive bars. Tonight, you can see "Forbidden Zone" -- a classic cult film directed by Richard Elfman and co-starring his brother Danny (pictured) -- for just $4, and you will come to understand why this song gets stuck in my head for days at a time. Doors are at 7, and you must be 21, onnaconna the fact that the Re-bar serves hard likker.

Lorien G takes the field: Last-minute easy peasy Super Bowl snackin'

If your friends are anything like my friends, nobody really seemed to care about the Super Bowl until the Saints got into it.  Well, I admit that I was vaguely interested until the Vikings lost, and then I transferred all of my not-quite apathy over to New Orleans.  I mean come on; they are the greatest underdog to root for, right?

This newfound interest means that I’m even going to a Super Bowl party.  And of course, I haven’t even thought about what kinds of snacks to bring until just now.  Thankfully, Super Bowl Sunday isn’t the kind of holiday where stores close, in fact, it’s pretty easy to just run into the local deli and pick up a ready-made platter of football-shaped cheese dip and a linebacker-sized bag of Doritos and call it done.

But if I’m gonna enjoy this day of sport with friends, I’m gonna want to do things just a bit better than that.  Which means that there’s all kinds of last-minute prep work to do, and I’m gonna do it all old-style.  Consider this my shopping list:

Cold Cut Combo

(Betty Crocker’s Step-By-Step Recipes, 1975)

1 small cantaloupe or honeydew melon

Leaf lettuce

½ pound assorted sliced cold cuts

3 ounces sliced smoked turkey

¾ pound assorted cheeses, sliced

½ pound dark sweet cherries

Hard rolls

Mayonnaise or salad dressing

Prepared mustard

Cut cantaloupe in half; scoop out seeds.  Pare and cut into wedges. 

Arrange lettuce leaves on a serving plate.  Alternate cantaloupe, cold cuts, turkey, cheeses, and cherries on lettuce.  Split rolls; spread with mayonnaise and mustard.  Serves 6-8

With maybe 10 minutes of effort, tops, you just made a sandwich tray that’s a million times better and fresher than anything found in a store.  Toss in some of your other favorite cold-snacky sandwich treats – avocado or apple slices, port wine spread, what have you – and you’ve got a great bunch of eats.

Cheese Pecan Ball

(Better Homes and Gardens Creative Cooking Library, Snacks and Refreshments, 1963)

1 8-oz package cream cheese, softened

2 tbsp steak sauce

1 cup pecans, finely chopped

1 clove garlic, minced

Few drops hot pepper sauce

Chopped parsely

Paprika

With a beater or spoon, combine cream cheese, steak sauce, nuts, garlic, and hot pepper sauce.  Form into a ball; wrap in waxed paper; chill several hours until firm.

Unwrap ball and place on serving dish.  Sprinkle with parsley to make a strip about 1 inch wide down the center. Sprinkle both sides with paprika. 

Keep chilled, remove from refrigerator about 15 minutes before serving.  Serve as a spread with assorted crackers.

Makes 1 ½ cups.

For less than the price of a couple cans of spray cheese, you can have a nice and tasty, homemade, and moderately healthy processed snack.  And you can even form it in the shape of a football.  If you want.

Corn Crackle

(Better Homes and Gardens Creative Cooking Library, Snacks and Refreshments, 1963)

1 8-ounce package corn muffin mix

1 cup coarsely chopped salted peanuts

½ cup grated parmesan cheese

1 tsp garlic salt

3 tbsp butter, melted

Prepare corn muffin mix according to package directions; spread evenly in a well-greased jellyroll pan.  Sprinkle with peanuts, cheese, and garlic salt; drizzle butter over top.

Bake at 375 about 25 minutes or until crisp and lightly browned.  Cut into squares and cool slightly; remove from pan.

With just a few quick, handmade items you'll completely brighten a table full of otherwise store-bought snacks. 

The Egyptian leads you into the woods

It's not the best film of the series. There's no wiseassery, no chainsaw-for-a-hand, none of the "come get some" that made "Evil Dead 2" and "Army of Darkness" such eternal delights. (That funny picture above? Yep, it's from the second movie.) In fact, I don't think I've watched Sam Raimi's original "Evil Dead" more than a couple of times, because I want Bruce Campbell to be a sniveling wiseass and the "Deadites" to mock his womanizing and cowardice. But I would see "Evil Dead" in a midnight screening, like the one happening tonight at the Egyptian, because we need to send a message to Sam, Ivan and Ted Raimi: MAKE "EVIL DEAD 4" ALREADY. You're off the "Spider-Man" gig and it's time to get back to real work, you primitive screwheads.

Tonight in Capitol Hill freebies

Pound Arts, the Capitol Hill gallery complex that boasts this town's only (as far as I know) 24-hour, public access photo darkroom, is holding an open house tonight from 6 to 10 p.m. Dozens of artists will show off hundreds of works -- paintings, sculpture, films, jewelry, video art and, naturally, photographs. The Pound is at 1216 10th Ave., within staggering distance of the bars that help make Capitol Hill's name, so you've basiaclly no excuse not to stop by and art up. There's no cover.

Later in the evening: The Capitol Club, in association with Potatoes O'Brien and Homonegro, presents "Blackout," a mighty dance party expedition floating on a sea of "50s rock/60s soul/70s funk/80s cheese/90s hip hop/00s indie, plus assorted bangers and whatnot." The beats strrrrretch from 10 p.m. to 1:30 a.m., and there's no cover.

Your Seattle Cheap-end: February 5-7

Oh, would that I could. I am irate today, savage reader. Not with you -- you're a sweetheart, and I adore you -- but with that other son-of-a-bitch, the one who thinks he's Mayor McShit of Dungburg, USA. I believe it was Dr. Dre who said "You have offended me, and now it is an imperative that I offend you in return." (Though he worded it a little differently.) Anyhow, I hope you'll forgive me a short update. I need to go kick over some garbage cans or somethin.

On Friday, February 5, Central Cinema welcomes Spike & Mike's New Generation Animation Fest for a week-long run. I haven't been to a Spike & Mike event since I took in a "Sick & Twisted" fest more than ten years ago (Beavis & Butthead were still in there, still playing "frog baseball"), but I'm curious about the animated shorts that make up the new festival; in an interview with the Austin Chronicle, festival co-founder Craig "Spike" Decker called the new festival "more sophisticated and artistic." I don't know if you can get more sophisticated than this, but I'm willing to pay $8 to find out.

This (S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y) Saturday night, everyone will be dancin' to the rock and roll as the Lo-Fi Performance Gallery welcomes the return of Studio 66. Its wall-to-wall mix of 1960s soul, mod, rock and Britpop is something I could use at this exact moment, but I reckon I can wait. The Purrs and the Orchid Highway are scheduled to perform, and a veritable supergroup of DJs -- including Vodka Twist, Chrispo, Gort and Ace Face -- will be spinning vinyl, goddamn it. Doors are at 8, and cover is $6.

On Sunday morning, the Beard & Stache Fest presents The Wifflebowl at Cal Anderson Park -- a plastic-bat extravaganza that will redefine wiffleball-based sport for all time. I would say more about this worthy event, but it's not a good idea to put a bat in my hand right now. It's free to watch and $10 to play.

Want to help Haiti? Invest in Common Market

A show by local hip-hop heroes Common Market is a must-see under normal circumstances, but when the group drops beats and rhymes for a good cause, increased attention must be paid and increased levels of booty must be made to shake. This Thursday, February 4, Common Market headlines a solid showcase -- The Physics, Dyno Jamz, SOL and DJ Pryme share the bill -- whose entire door take is promised to help Doctors Without Borders do its much-needed work in Haiti. Tickets are $10 advance and $12 at the door.